Tackling mismatched sex drive
Desire, libido, sex drive.
Nothing is more sticky for intimate relationships than when this becomes an issue.
You might want more sex than they do. Or they might want more sex than you do.
Sex in relationships is a big component of intimacy so when desire is mismatched it can lead to difficult thoughts and feeling, such as:
“My partner doesn’t want me anymore”
“I’m not attractive”
“My body is bad”
“I’m not loveable”
“They will leave me”
Some people respond automatically by asking or initiating more. Even protesting, begging or pleading. When this is not responded to in the way we want, it can lead to feelings of sadness, grief, anger or resentment – all related to feeling rejected or abandoned.
Some people respond by withdrawing. Disconnecting. Shutting down. This can lead to the same feelings for their partner.
So why does it happen? And what can we do about it?
What is desire discrepancy and why does it happen?
Mismatched desire, also known as ‘desire discrepancy’ is when one partner has more of an appetite for sexual intimacy than the other.
Our desire is not fixed. The way it matches with your partner’s can change at any stage of your life or relationship, even if it has been the same for many years.
Having children, navigating midlife and menopause, developing a chronic health condition, experiencing pain, feeling overwhelmed, burnout, stressed or depressed – all these massive life changes can diminish desire.
People change too. Your libido, desire or interest in sex is mitigated by what turns you ‘on’ vs. what turns you ‘off.’ Some people have spontaneous desire (i.e. it shows up automatically), others have responsive desire (i.e. it needs to be cultivated by intentional stimulation).
Sometimes, this changes. Previously, you may have had raging spontaneous desire which automatically led to a craving for connections, but now it takes effort.
Regardless of how it was then and how it is now, the capacity for desire to build into arousal and a pleasurable experience depends on the balance between turn ‘ons’ and the turn ‘offs’. I’ve spoken more about this here.
When this balance changes for one person, this changes the ‘match’ between people – and this is hard to rectify.
We aren’t taught how to tackle this – and social media suggestions don’t cut it
Most of us aren’t taught how to work through this, communicate needs or desires, or negotiate something that requires each partner to let another person into their physical space.
And when you add this mismatch to any of the issues that led to the decreased desire in the first place, it compounds the stressors on the body and mind. This can further diminish desire.
In popular culture – on social media, in books or on TV – you’ll often see explanations for why this happens and “simple solutions”. Like organise date nights, buy a new toy, get creative, improve your communication skills or increase your pleasure capacity.
While none of these are bad or wrong recommendations, this is not a simple issue. It requires a holistic assessment and probably an array of interventions to tackle this complexity.
Additionally, many resources focus on fixing a problem with one specific solution, rather than creating an ideal space for sexual intimacy to flourish.
What helps create space for a fulfilling sex life?
There are lots of ways you can do this. One book ‘Magnificent Sex’ by Peggy Kleinplatz (highly recommended) summarises research with people who report having magnificent sex. They suggest that in order to rekindle desire, want or need for sexual intimacy, the sex needs to be worth wanting.
And that doesn’t necessarily mean with a specific technique, toy, or elaborate date night. What the research found was that the features of ‘magnificent sex’ were the quality of presence, connection, communication, empathy and willingness for vulnerability.
In summary, for these people, magnificent sex was about the capacity to be intimate – emotionally and psychologically, not just physically. They are there. They are connected. They are open. And they are sharing that with their partner.
One of the biggest challenges in discussing mismatched desire is the idea of what ‘sex’ or intimacy is.
Most people define sex in a way that is ‘heteronormative’. Heteronormative is a term used to describe cultural concepts of what is considered ‘normal’ for heterosexual people (even though normal is just a construct). In terms of heteronormative sex, that would suggest the penetration of a vagina by a penis.
When really, we need to consider a broader definition of what ‘sex’ is (and not just because not everyone is heterosexual). But because when we do this, it is easier to work around some of the so-called ‘issues’ of changing desire. We can get really creative. We can work on some of the key factors that make intimacy worthwhile. We can look at what makes sexual intimacy magnificent, beyond societal expectations of how it should look, be or feel.
At the same time, we can work on being understood, connected, fully present and sharing pleasure.
We are all different – and expect different things
What makes mismatched desire complex is that it involves people with different bodies, minds, beliefs and life experiences with different expectations of intimacy.
To work with this, we need to understand each individual and how each individual can meet the other. This involves understanding, empathy, connection, communication and negotiation.
This is difficult to do on your own.
When I work with couples experiencing mismatched desire, we:
Create flexibility and room for discomfort and adaptability
Do a deep dive on each individual’s turn ons and turn offs
Explore the desired outcome – as individuals and as a couple
Redefine what sexual intimacy means for each other
Discover creative solutions to meet each other where you’re both at
Develop skills for intimate communication and emotional empathy
Discover ways to nurture intimacy outside of sexual contact
Develop tools for exploring new ways of coming together in a sexual context
Create new ways of relating together and deepen understanding of each other
When life happens, things change, and we do too. The solution is not necessarily to try and go back to how it was, but to find new ways of being with how it is, and grow towards a greater capacity to hold each other in that.
And maybe, just maybe, it will grow into something greater.
If this is a problem you’re dealing with, you don’t have to go it alone. Sex therapy might be something you find beneficial. You can book an appointment and find more information about the way I work here.