5 things to know about low libido
Low libido. Low sexual desire. Low sexual interest.
It’s one of the most common reasons that people seek sex therapy.
And if you’re struggling with it, I want you to know this – there is nothing wrong with you.
You are not broken.
You can have more.
It’s normal for our sexual desire to fluctuate over our lives, and if yours is low and you’re happy with it, that’s absolutely fine.
However, low libido can become a problem if:
You had more in the past and you want it back.
You’ve always had low libido and you want more.
You and your partner have mismatched libidos and it’s causing friction in your relationship.
Feeling unhappy with youra libido can impact your overall wellbeing (and even impact broader society, since we know that sexual wellbeing is intrinsically linked with public health).
Why? Because your sexuality is part of who you are. It’s a way to discover and express yourself, connect with your body, have fun, play as adults, find pleasure, relate to your partner, and express your vitality.
It is a core component of you.
If it feels like something is missing from this key part of yourself and your life, it makes sense that you might yearn for more.
So what can stop us from getting it?
Five things you should know about low libido
Sexual desire relies on the right combination of ‘accelerator’ and ‘brakes’ – or what sex research calls the ‘Dual Control Model’.
Essentially, becoming aroused and/or desiring sexual intimacy depends on the balance between things that turn you on and things that turn you off.
Usually, if the things that turn you off outweigh the things that turn you on, things won’t kick off.
And there can be so many more things that turn us off!
Things that turn you off might be – feeling tired from a long day at work, a messy house, being in pain or discomfort, feeling stressed, feeling unsafe, cultural or psycho-social beliefs about sex, past experiences, and so much more.We don’t all experience spontaneous desire.
There are two types of desire – responsive and spontaneous – and neither are better than the other. They are just different. But understanding them can help us understand our sexual responses.
Spontaneous desire is when desire seems to magically appear out of thin air, regardless of circumstances. It’s the type we see in the movies – where the main characters are making dinner and all of a sudden start tearing each other’s clothes off on the kitchen floor.
Whilst there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, these cultural messages tell us that we should be up for wild or kinky sex at all times. Realistically though, for most people that would get in the way of everyday life (and lead to a few burnt dinners).
On the other hand, responsive desire is when you respond to being engaged by a partner or something externally. Your desire comes after intimate contact has been initiated and it’s totally normal not to experience desire and/or arousal until you’re well into foreplay.
If you experience responsive desire, it might take more intimate touch, talk or quality time to feel in the mood. Many people experience desire and enjoy being desired this way.You probably won’t desire something you don’t enjoy.
There are plenty of reasons why we might not enjoy sex during different moments in our lives.
We might be experiencing pain, discomfort or a sense of a threat.
Or we might be stuck in old patterns/sexual routines and are feeling bored, not experiencing pleasure or not having fun.
If that’s the case, it’s completely normal not to desire sex. Why would you desire something that you felt negatively about? It’s like when you eat the same thing for dinner every night – by the end of the week shaking it up can make life more interesting!Your desire is likely to be tied up in a complicated knot of beliefs, emotions and expectations from your entire life.
These can be big blocks – like what we think we need to be ‘sexy’, how we feel about our bodies, how we’ve been raised to think about sex, uncomfortable memories from previous sexual encounters, and more – and it can take time to untangle them.
For example, in contemporary culture, we are constantly being faced with contradictory messages about sex. On one hand, we’re told sex is dirty and we shouldn’t want it or be too comfortable expressing our sexuality. On the other hand, we’re told that if we’re not into ‘kinky’ stuff, we’re boring.
We’re sold a message that to be sexy or sexual, we need to be young and stereotypically attractive. I noticed this recently in my work as a Sex Therapist when I came across a podcast about sex. The host was heavily promoting a new sex toy.
Since knowing available products is part of my job, I did a bit of digging.
I. was. awestruck.
Not by the sexual content or kinks, but by the way they advertised this product. Their social media profile was full of scantily-clad, classically-beautiful young people pushing society’s boundaries.
I saw them and thought to myself “Wow. No wonder people feel inadequate in the bedroom – this isn’t reality!”.Yes – it could be your hormones. But hormone treatments alone might not help.
Hormone changes can influence our libido. For women, these might come about after pregnancy, in menopause, or at different times in our cycle. For all of us, our age can influence the hormonal impact on our libido.
It’s true that hormonal preparations (including hormone replacement drugs) can change your levels of sexual desire. However, using these to treat low libido doesn’t always work (and would only usually be used if you’re using it to treat something else at the same time).
And whilst there isn’t a ‘magic pill’ solution for low libido, knowing you’re experiencing hormonal changes can be a helpful framework for self compassion. For example, you might think to yourself “it’s okay for things to be a bit challenging right now – I’m working with some biological factors here too.”
As with everything in medicine (and life) this is a complex issue. Solving it is both easy and hard. It requires a deep dive.
This could mean looking at your turn ons and your turn offs.
Understanding how you respond to your own desire.
Exploring the knot of beliefs that get in the way.
And identifying what isn’t working and how you could spice things up to be more exciting, safe and pleasurable.
If you’re with a partner, it is helpful to explore this together.
If you want to explore for yourself – this is possible as well. Studies show that when we are comfortable with our own pleasure, it’s easier to bring this to our partnerships.
If you’re just beginning this journey, I’d recommend Emily Nagoski’s book ‘Come as you are’ as a great starting point.
It could even be enough! You might be surprised by how quickly things can make sense once
you’ve had a chance to read, understand and reflect. If that’s the case for you – hooray!
Often, this issue needs a bit more support and consideration.
I offer 1:1 mind-body therapy for challenges like this. In these sessions, I combine my knowledge of medicine/the body, with my knowledge of the mind, psychological techniques and specific interventions from my Masters in Sex Therapy.
In my work with you, I recognise that these issues are not isolated – they exist within a rich tapestry of experiences, feelings, ideas and relationships – and my treatment plans and approach reflects this.
You can learn more about this or request an appointment here.